If you have managed to find this page:
*ahem* Congratulations on finding the secret web page. You now know certain things that you didn't know of before.
RE#1-II-Nic, DT, TCD
RE#2-Nic and DT
RE#3-Nic and TCD
RE#4-I-Nic, DT, TCD
RE#4-II-Nic, DT, TCD
RE#5-Nic and Meg
DMC: REE-Nic and Clair
RE#?-Nic and BD
RE#?-Nic and Keneka
RE#?-Nic and DD
RE#?-Nic and DT
RE#?-Nic and Resa
RE#?-Nic, DT, ???
RE#?-Nic and Ana
RE#?-Nic, DT, ???
RE#?-Nic and DT
RE#?-Nic and DT
RE#?-Nic and DT
RE#?-Nic and TCD
Random Video Archives:
Random Image Archives:
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Due to the rather large file size for this weeks Random Image, the quality of it being on this site would be severely decreased, so instead I will like all viewers to the image uploaded to Photubucket. Enjoy. :Dhttp://i905.photobucket.com/albums/ac259/Nicodemus_Zamoran/GIFProject9.gif
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Felix from Golden Sun 1 & 2: Click to enlarge
Ven of Birth By Sleep: Click to enlarge
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Nightmare from Soul Calibur: Click to enlarge
Random GIF Project
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Dr. Wily and Zero: Click To Enlarge
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The Dearly Departed by Pianoless Devil: click to enlarge
Caught Red Handed by pionolessdevil: Click to enlarge
Random Humor Archives:
An exchange between Vincent D'Agosta(left), Laura Hayward(middle), and Aloysius X. L. Pendergast(right) in the above image.
D'Agosta: Dammit, Pendergast! I saw you looking!
Pendergast: Vincent. I must apologize, but I'm afraid I have no idea what you're implying.
D'Agosta: Don't give me that shit. I know you were looking at Laura's breasts!
Pendergast: Vincent, it's simple physics. Anything with a mass so great will automatically create a gravitational pull too strong for anything to not be dragged into it. Blame the science, Vincent, not me.
D'Agost: You've got a point...
Laura: You've got to be kidding me.
For more art from this artist, visit http://pianolessdevil.deviantart.com/
Random humor is a type of humor which is often thought to be random but refuses to acknowledge the supremacy of the Pope.
Sonic the Headgehog: Complaints of Robotnik
Sonic: How is it that when I'm chasing Robotnik, he runs faster than me? How the hell does he do it?
Random guy: Robotnik faster than you? Yeah, I doubt it. That fatass shouldn't be able to run much at all.
Suddenly, Robotnik runs by, laughing.
Random guy: What the HELL was that?
Sonic: The one damn thing in the world that's faster than me. A fat idiot who somehow has an IQ of 300.
Random conversations producing random results
Nic: I need to go make this weeks Random Humor. Now, HUMOR POWERS, Please Work!!!
DT: *fires lazor*
DT: ...That was supposed to go up...
In an attempt to turn back the clock and save the universe, one hero is equipped with the Singularity. With it, time holds no bounds over him.
Hero: Hey! How the hell does this thing work?!?
He will traverse time and space, turning old to new, and new to old.
Hero: What the fuck? I don't want to do that!
Scientist: Who are you talking to?
Hero: That strange voice! Can't you hear it?
Scientist:*edging away from the hero* Yeeeeaaahh... I gotta go.*leaves the room and takes out a cell phone, then calls someone.* He knows. He must be eliminated.
*on the other end of the phone* What the hell are you talking about? This is Pizza Hut!
Scientist: ...Oh... Sorry.*hangs up*
Voice: You know, maybe if you found a person who couldn't hear me first, you wouldn't have this problem.
Scientist: Oh, shut up.
When you take Psychology, you learn funny things. Such as the fact that at first, young children will think that if they can't see something, it doesn't exist anymore. After we learned this, we thought we'd do an experiment. We put a well trained soldier, trained to kill, and altered his mind so that if he can't see it, it doesn't exist anymore.
Let's take a look at the events.
Soldier turns corner and sees bomb. "Oh SHIT!!!"
Soldier then puts a box over the bomb and sighs. "Well, that takes care of that."
Yeah... Maybe we should have thought that one through.
If you ever meet a man without feet, lend him a hand. Then you can tell your friends you know a guy with no feet but three hands.
02:55:08 AM * VulcanHedgehog mans up
02:55:25 AM * VulcanHedgehog Grew full facial hair
02:55:25 AM <amazinggirl12696> okay ,,, nvm about the whole cell phone thing
02:55:30 AM * VulcanHedgehog hunts his meals
02:55:42 AM ** VulcanHedgehog has left [connection closed]
02:56:09 AM <Meirell> oh shit, he really went hunting...
A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, “What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?”
He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. “Miss Callahan!” The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question.
The professor says, “That’s all right, Miss Callahan, you don’t need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?” He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. “Mr. Hawkins!”
Hawkins says, “Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement.”
The professor says, “That is correct, Mr. Hawkins.” Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, “Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven’t studied this week’s assignment; and Two, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.
The TRUTH about watching other people on dA:
Stalkers! They see what you do all the time, watching your every move, judging you, admiring you, hating you. They just want to watch you all the time. Does that matter?
No. It's the internet. No one cares.
Or do they?
Yes, now shut up.
Bill Are you arguing with yourself again?!
Good! Now come take out the trash!
Person A: "Doom and gloom, we seal your mushrooms!"
Person B: "...What are you doing?"
Person A: *looks around* "Umm....... Nooooothing."
Person B: "Yeah, sure, and I'm the Pope."
Person A: *gasps* "The Pope! Oh my god! The Pope is talking to me!!!"
Person B: *facepalm*
A group of hero's asked a wise man to help them locate a cult. This is what happened:
Wise man: To find the cult, you must find the source of Chaos.
Hero 1: What is the source of Chaos?
Wise man: Hell.
Hero 2: So you're telling us to go to hell?
Wise man: Yes, I am.
Hero 1: Crap.
Hero 2: Don't feel too bad. I know how to get there!
Hero 1: Really?
Hero 2:*looking maniacally evil, pulling out a ritual knife.* Yes, I do. >:3
Jim Kevin, a good friend of mine just returned from traveling around the USA for a year. He had a lot of stories to tell, but this was my favorite. It seems he was looking for a bank and stopped to ask directions. The man he asked replied "Just drive down this road about 5 miles and then turn left at the Stop n Go." He drove 5 miles, then 6, then 7. At about 10 miles down he stopped for directions again. The man he asked replied "Just go back down this road about 5 miles and turn right at the Stop n Go" He headed out again but still had no luck. When he got back to where he had started he stopped again. When he ask for directions the answer was exactly the same. This time Jim asked "Could you describe the Stop n Go for me?" The man gave him a funny look and said "It's on a pole. It's got a red light on the top, a Green light on the bottom...." Pam
How to be a Successful Evil Overlord
by Peter Anspach
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present... The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
- My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
- Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
- The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
- I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
- When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
- After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
- I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
- I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
- I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
- I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
- No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
- I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
- My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
- All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
- All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
- I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
- I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
- I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
- I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
- If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
- If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
- If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
- I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
- Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
- When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
- I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
- I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
- I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
- If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
- If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
- I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
- If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
- My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
- If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
- I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
- If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
- I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
- The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
- My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
- Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
- If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
- I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
- My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
- If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
- I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
- Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
- I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
- If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
- My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
- No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
- I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
- All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
- When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
- If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
- If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
- I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
- When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
- I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
- If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
- If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
- I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."
- If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
- If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
- If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
- I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
- If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
- I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
- I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"
- I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
- My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
- If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
- After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
- I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
- I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
- If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
- If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
- When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
- My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
- My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
- My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
- If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
- Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
- Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.
How to: An idiots guide on how to do shit.
Today is out first episode, which is on youtube... and will always be on youtube you fuckin pricks who ask about TV slots! Youtube is free, dammit!
Ok, so today is:
How to play a game:
Step one: Place game disc, cartridge, whatever, in console/PC.
Step two: Start the game.
Step three: Read what the mother fucking tutorial says, you lazy ass idiots!! This cannot tell you how to play every freakin game out there, so read the god damn tutorial! Gah!
Step four: Start playing your game. Or if you didn't read the tutorial, Turn off the fuckin game system!
This has been a wonderful session of How To: An idiots guide on how to do shit. Thanks for watching, see you next time... or not see you. More like you see me next time... whatever. Just go watch something else now.
Killing floor: The Specimens Talk!!!
Christmas Gorefast(Giant Gingerbread Cookie): I bet you're delicious.
Player:...*cuts Gorefast's arm off*
Christmas Gorefast: Don't Eat Me!!!*dies*
Christmas Patriarch(Santa with a giant gun on arm and tentacle coming out of chest): *shoots door with grenade) Open up, I've got a present for ya!
Player: Ohshitohshitohshitohshit!!! ... Wait...
"Flashback" Player: *places 6 pipebombs in front of the door* >:3"Flashback ends"
Player: >:3 Hahahaha!
Christmas Patriarch: Open up, I've got a present for ya! *fires door with grenade again, detonating the pipebombs*
"Slo-mo" *Patriarch's legs are blown off, the beast falling too the ground, his gun arm also blown away, dying without spilling any blood.*
YOUR SQUAD SURVIVES
"pans around player"
Player: Wait wait wait. Is that it?
The Voice: You want more? You want to take on an army of specimens and then another Patriarch?
Player(hastily): No, never mind. Just get me home.
The Voice: Ok. Player wins.
Weil: Uh, yeah, I'll have-
Guy: Whoa, dude, what's with the evil voice?
Weil: Evil voice? This is the way I always talk.
Guy: Is this some kind of prank call?
Weil: Um, no. I'm the ruler of Neo Arcadia.
Guy: Never heard of it.
Weil: WHAT?! It's the refuge for every human being on earth!
Guy: Riiiiiight, and that's totally your real voice.
Weil: Do you WANT me to destroy you?
Guy: Through the phone? That'll be a feat.
Weil: GRAH! *hangs up* That number Zero gave me was fake, as I suspected...
*On the other end*
Zero: *laughing hysterically*
Cubit: You know he'll kill us when he finds out, right?
Zero: We'll worry about that when we get to it.
A man who has eternal life sits and watches the world age, while he never changes. One day he goes into a big town, and someone asks him about the president. He replies:
"Abe Lincoln? Or is it someone else?"
The guy who asked him replies:
"Lincoln??? What the hell? He's been long gone! He was the 16th president. We're on #44."
The man replies:
"Damn, I'm old."
The guy replies:
There once was a pirate named mysteriousguy;] that ate a lemon and his toenails grew bigger.so he used them to open beetroot cans and dead llamas. one day he decided tobig men falling from the sky for the meaning off all that is toes and water melons grow mushrooms but they turned into pokemon. They then gave douche-bag his mail. One day Douche-bag lost his foot and fell into an umbrella. He grabbed out his icecream and decided to throw it in to the sky. Just then the world blew up and douche-bag said, "theres mah foot!" so he ate it. Upon watching the earth blow up, a young mexican named Michael decided to undergo lyposuction to remove his chinchilla from its can.
A herd of forewords to this umbrella: This article is complete palm tree. I have no super smash how the house turned into the muffin, but the fact is by the will of the rabbit, the tiles must be directly related to crumpet juice, in such a way that zombies forgot their mothers birthday. Thankfully, they had tortured sex slaves on their ipod, so in unreality, there was no need for Argentina to have not been invented.
Remember Children: sell your pants and eat your eyes. Do not let the Irish Toolbars hit you on the way to hamsterdam.
To be or not two bee, that is the squirrel egg floating in molasses. IF YOU are READING a duck, or maybe this, then you are a !cheeese ! you must let the random come to you, do not try to be random, there is no need to try. 'Sing eternally from your eyes, my precious little melon', the young Princess Zelda undulated. But the water would never fall for, unknown to the young princess, tragically, it was not a melon but in fact only an ordinary melon, and so was not conscious of its own existence. It would never grow. It's Tragic, isn't it? She died six days later from breakfast, although others attribute her life to the teenage mutant ninja turtles stuck inside her spine. We shall never know.
Zero: What are you talking about?
Anubis: The Shield Boomerang. Where'd you put it?
Zero: I dunno.
Anubis: *facepalm* Not a good enough answer.
Zero: I seriously don't know!
Anubis: Did you ask your girlfriend?
Zero: How would she know?
Anubis: *sigh* Did you forget it was on your belt again?
Zero: But it's no-... *checks and trails off* Oh. Here it is. *hands boomerang to Anubis*
Anubis: You should listen to me more often.
GM: Why the heck do you get that awesome bazooka and stuff and we don't?
Gundam: Cuz I'm the prototype, remember?
GM: So? We're the MP version. That means we should get the same stuff, not downgraded.
Gundam: Sucks to be you then.
GM: Why you dickish little- *punches the Gundam and hand shatters*
Gundam: Did I mention I was made of lunar titanium and not normal titanium?
Bob: Hey Jessica
Jessica: What the fuck are you doing here, Bob?!?!?!
Bob: Ummm... I work here?
Bill: Hey Bob. Hey Jessica.
Jessica: Fuck off, both of you!
Bill(talking to Bob): What's her problem?
Bob: I don't know. She's just freaking out.
Bill: We should ask her what's wrong. (turns to Jessica) Hey J-... Where'd she go?
Bob: Huh? She was here a second ago.
Jessica: AHHHH!!! (lands on the two from above.)
Bill(on the ground): Uhhnn... What happened?
Bob(also on the ground): We were divebombed... by Jessica.
Bill: It hurt...
Bob: We should ask her wh-
Bill: Don't say it! She could hurt us again!
Jessica(hiding behind a column nearby): Drat!
The big question.
What does God look like?
Anyone got the answer to that?
Wait, did you expect me to answer that?
You must have me confused with someone who gives a shit.
Still not convinced?
Randomly Crazy People!
1st person: Hey
2nd person: Hi! What's up?
1st person: Oh, nothing. Just-
3rd person: Shut the hell up and get out of my house!
2nd person: This is my house... and who are you?
3rd person: I'm you... from the future.
1st person: Yeah right. Not-
3rd person: Possible? Yeah. So you think.
2nd person: You're just some son of a bi-
3rd person: Who are you people?!?!?! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
1st person: ...
2nd person: ...
3rd person: I must get to my own country... They have my family.
2nd person: Who does?
3rd person: My enemies.
1st person: And who are they?
3rd person: I have no clue.
2nd person: Where are they?
3rd person: ...Behind you.
4th person: That's a lie.
2nd person: Who are you?
4th person: .... God
1st person: ...Are we dead?
4th person: Not yet.
2nd person: ... I don't like the sound of that.
3rd person: DADDY!
1st person: I think we're fucked...
2nd person: Agreed.
Random Humor: What will we do when 2012 gets here?
Random person: AHHH!! IT'S 2012! The world is going to end!
Me: Yeah, just like it did in 2000.
Random person: What?
Me: The world ended in 2000 as well. We just got on with our lives.
Random person: That doesn't make any sense.
An exerpt from "The Delivery" Written by Lord of Darkness
"EXCUSE ME, UGLY ONE, TWO AND THREE" Dante bellowed over to them, grabbing their attention. One of the demons was in the midst of lifting up a car and throwing it. But due to Dante's interruption, it had dropped it on its big toe.
"Oh look, a little human being. Can't you see we are doing demonic stuff? You know, trying to rule the World with evil and everything. Beat it, or we'll crush you" said the leader of the three.
"We should just crush him anyway. I mean look at his dress sense. It's hideous" said the other.
"No no, I quite like his shoes. And the trench coat is a nice little touch, I find" said the smallest.
"QUIET" Dante shouted, violently. "I am pleased you like my outfit. And I understand that you have evil to attend to. But I have to deliver this pizza in five minutes, or I lose my job" Dante stated.
"I actually feel rather bad for you now. What's your name human?" said the leader.
"AHHHHHH, RUN FOR IT GUYS. WE'LL TRY AND DESTROY THE WORLD LATER" the three demons shouted amongst themselves, as they ran to hide behind trees and dustbins.For the whole story, click here
Randomly Anonymous Conversation!
Secret: Terrible things lie in your future. A month of bad burritos!
Classified: Bad burritos? MWUHAHAHAHA the bad days aren't coming for me .
Secret: They are evil burritos. They eat your insides!
Classified: My insides?.
*Morps into a Baneling and emits a strange sound*
(The sound means ."Let's see what the will eat now".
Secret: O.o Such a crazy transformation. Why not destroy teh burritos?
Classified: *Shriek followed my a snarl*
(Trust me, let them try to eat my insides)*The baneling makes a awesome faise*
Secret: *becomes a giant and steps on the baneling*
Classified: You just killed yourself.
Secret: How so, if I can still type this message to you using the computer?
Classified: You killed the giant, baneling are living rolling sacs of a very powerful acid that can even meld Neosteel one material harder that Lunar Titatoum, so the giant has no more legs.
Secret: So your logic is destroyed, because just becaue he doesn't have legs, doesn't mean he doesn't still live.
Hydra343: Dude, I can't believe you just killed me.
Drakengard24: I killed you cuz you stole my kill.
Drakengard24: Is that so hard to understand?
Hydra343: YES, you asshole!
Drakengard24: Well if you're so mad, why don't you kill me? ... DUDE, you killed me!
Hydra343: You said I could.
Drakengard24: *angry silence*
Not really. Just random humor!
Name: How the hell should I know what it is?
Online Alias: Why should I tell you?
Age: Why do you care?
Height: No idea at all. Why do you ask?
Weight: I don't wanna know what they weigh.
Personality: I know them. That is all you need to know for now.
Background: I don't care enough. Who cares if they are some old pedophile roaming online? Ok, maybe i care, but I still won't tell you their background.
Appearance: I don't know. I don't really care, either.
Quotes from Rooster Teeth's Red vs Blue!
QUOTE ONE: Washington: "Now, throw it now!"
Caboose: *throws grenade and it sticks to the wall*
Washington: "That was the worst throw ever. Of all time"
Caboose: "Not my fault! Someone put a wall in my way."
QUOTE TWO: Washington: "They even have a key combination to report his team kills."
Caboose: "Control F U!"
QUOTE THREE: Sarge: "Okay, fire Caboose!"
Grif: "No, don't fire, you'll stall the jeep!"
Sarge: "Shut up Grif!"
Sarge: "Caboose, stop answering for Grif!"
QUOTE FOUR: Washington: "Well then grab his cogpiece!"
Washington: "What, we're all adults here, right?"
Meta: *snarls and walks away*
QUOTE FIVE: *jeep gets blown up and Simmons is on the rear fender as it flies around*
Simmons: "I don't wanna hang on but I'm too scared to let go!"For videos of Red vs Blue, visit redvsblue.com
The first of (possibly, probably, and hopefully) many The Pendergast Files (Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child Newsletters) sent to me in an email.
To our readers,
Welcome to the first issue of The Pendergast File.
We promise this is not your usual tiresome author's newsletter. We are not going to hype our books, trumpet our awards, or tell you what fine fellows we are.
Instead, we will bring you fascinating, offbeat, outlandish, and shocking news, snippets of Pendergast (or Gideon Crew) history, rejected samples of our most wretched work, photographs of Doug's travels or recipes from Linc's gourmet kitchen… We may also offer contests, freebies, t-shirts, hats, buttons, and directions to buried treasure.
You are receiving this either because you subscribed or are on our previous mailing list. If you wish to unsubscribe, the button to do so is below and a pox on you. We will never, under any circumstances, share your email address.
Yesterday, as we were arguing about what to put in the first edition of The Pendergast File, we got a rather agitated call from Agent Pendergast, demanding that we present ourselves at his Dakota apartment immediately. What follows is a transcript of the conversation which then took place.
All best, Doug & Linc
* * * * * * *
PENDERGAST: Gentlemen, your journalistic meddlings must cease immediately. No longer shall you write about my cases.
DOUGLAS PRESTON: Why?
PENDERGAST: It's bad enough that my private affairs should be aired in public. You are exposing me to the vulgar opinions of the masses. It is intolerable.
LINCOLN CHILD (eyeing the bottle of vintage Pauillac on the sideboard): I don't know about you, Doug, but I certainly worked up a thirst on the walk over here...
DJP: Vulgar opinions? We have no idea what you're talking about.
PENDERGAST: I'm referring to reviews! Ignorant, oafish reviews! In public venues such as this site called Amazon! It is outrageous: judge for yourself. (Hands over sheaf of documents.)
LBC: Bad reviews, eh? Let's see what you’ve uncovered. (Reads aloud.)
EXHIBIT A: Cemetery Dance
By A Customer “disgusting, wish i'd never bought it i question anyone’s great opinion of this book animal torture is not my idea of entertainment”
DJP: Ah! A nasty review in free verse! Let’s see if I can't respond in kind. Ahem (clears throat): e. e. cummings would agree your lower-case epiphany suggests a recent lobotomy
LBC: To me, it reads more like haiku. Let me return the favor:
Blasted novel sucks
Bookstore refuses refund:
Mustn't kick Fido
PENDERGAST: Make sport of it if you will, but it's no laughing matter! Here’s another.
EXHIBIT B: The Book of the Dead
Pretentious and long-winded By nollaig “The alternate title of this book should have been HOW TO AFFECT AN AIR OF SOPHISTICATION AND URBANITY IN SEVERAL HUNDRED PAGES OF PLODDING AND FRANKLY UNBELIEVABLE PLOTTING COUPLED WITH TWO DIMENSIONAL STEREOTYPES SO PREDICTABLE IN THEIR PRETENTIOUS MUSINGS. An overly long title you might opine but surely not in light of the success of two such eloquent and verbose authors... This self-indulgent, conceited tome demonstrated a predisposition not unlike that so manifestly exhibited by the socially-upward-mobile.”
LBC: We are accused of verbosity? By a person who offers up such windy gusts as "demonstrated a predisposition not unlike that so manifestly exhibited"? That shrill noise you're hearing in the background is the reviewer being hoist upon his own petard.
DJP: This self-immolating review puts in mind Ambrose Bierce, who once defined a critic as "a person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him."
PENDERGAST: (Brandishing papers). There are more of the same. (Reads aloud):
EXHIBIT C: The Book of the Dead
Wasted my money By J. Davey "Should have been a reviewer" “Never picked up a previous one and won't pick up a later edition. I'm half way through and have no idea what's going on!... believe me, this is terrible!”
LBC: The horror, the horror!
DJP: Well, some folks just aren't as clever as others—
Pendergast (in a freezing voice): Are you two amusing yourselves at my expense?
(TRANSCRIPT ENDS ABRUPTLY HERE)
After-note by Linc: You will be happy to know that we managed to pacify Pendergast. He grudgingly gave us permission to continue chronicling his minor cases, as before, but it was a near thing. I am sorry to report, however, that he has now taken to visiting Amazon and is collecting objectionable reviews for a future Pendergast File. Fair warning to all ill-tempered reviewers out there: Pendergast is watching...
In the next Pendergast File:
Doug writes: "Some time back, an old friend of mine, Forrest Fenn, buried a treasure worth close to a million dollars in the mountains somewhere north of Santa Fe. It is still out there, legally available to whoever finds it first. You shall have the strange story of the Fenn Treasure, and how it influenced the writing of my novel THE CODEX, in the next edition of The Pendergast File. (Included will be a poem, written by Forrest Fenn, containing most of the clues necessary to find this treasure.) In the same issue, we will also be offering a contest of our own, with a rather tasty prize awaiting the lucky winner."
We told you this was not going to be your usual newsletter… We've just set up a joint Facebook page. Check it out! http://www.facebook.com/PrestonandChild
Random Poking Match
Nicodemus Zamoran pokes DT
DreadnoughtDT stares dryly at Nic
Nicodemus Zamoran: What?
DreadnoughtDT: I'm not in the mood for a poking match.
DreadnoughtDT waits till Nic isn't looking and pokes him
Nicodemus Zamoran: You sly scaly.
Nicodemus Zamoran pokes DT back
DreadnoughtDT pokes Nic again
Nicodemus Zamoran: Random Poking!!!
Nicodemus Zamoran pokes DT
DreadnoughtDT double poke
Nicodemus Zamoran pokes DT with a stick
DreadnoughtDT pokes Nic with a tree
Nicodemus Zamoran: >.>
DreadnoughtDT: It's a small tree.
Nicodemus Zamoran pokes DT with mountain
DreadnoughtDT rips off a car bumper and pokes Nic with it
Nicodemus Zamoran pokes DT with a bus
The Cover Up
During my nine hour stint today at work (official title: Super Accounting Dude), I was playing with some numbers ("Where'd five go? Where'd fiiiive go? Peekaboo!") when someone dropped an expense report on my desk. Expense reports are filled out and given to me for two reasons: One, as a way to document and turn in receipts in order to receive a reimbursement, and two, to explain what the expense was for and how it relates to company business. A coincidental third reason for filling out expense reports is so I can test for basic knowledge of Excel and how formulas work, basic addition and subtraction, and last but certainly not least, correct spelling and grammar.
As someone who has trudged through the public screwl system and graduated college with a fancy degree that I still haven't picked up from the university...
...I was surprised at first to see upper management people and other big titles handing me expense reports with incorrect addition due to poor use of formulas in Excel, misspellings of their superior's last name...multiple times, and other gross typos and grammatical oversights. In some cases, some people seem to be incapable of turning in expense reports at all EXCEPT when a reimbursement is needed. Then they are magically able to find all of their receipts and finish what previously seemed to be the insurmountable task of allocating five minutes to filling out an expense report.
So when the expense report was dropped on my desk, I did my normal professional accounting routine - look for spelling errors. Normally, if that produces no hilarity, I'll then flip through the receipts. Since I'm just an accountant, I don't get to go to all the fancy dinners where clients are schmoozed and expensive bottles of wine are swished and tips are given in amounts that are more than what I make in a day. So I do the next best thing - find the receipts that give a line-itemized account of what was purchased, and live vicariously. It's a glamorous profession, but someone has to do it.
This particular expense report was submitted by a lady whom I know has never had to fill out an expense report before. I don't know how some people feel about submitting expense reports that show in detail what they consumed/enjoyed/partook of/etc... on the company dollar. Maybe some feel guilt at ordering that extra martini; maybe some feel justified in eating that $50 steak; maybe some others do it unabashedly in the noble name of putting on a well-fed face for the company.
Regardless of the reason, the person who submitted this expense report apparently had some issue she was trying to cover up. Admittedly, I don't talk to this particular person at work very much, so I don't know if perhaps she's on a diet, or conscious of her weight, or maybe just afraid of what others think of her eating habits. But I just don't understand why else she would do this:
The first item on the receipt is for a Chocolate Chip Cookie. However, it's not just any chocolate chip cookie - it's a nearly $3 chocolate chip cookie. Imagine the size! It must have been like holding a garbage can lid with both hands and...oh wait. It's from an airport snack bar. It was probably more like holding a quarter with a thumb and index finger and probably tasted similar too.
Regardless of its size, "someone" crossed out "Choc CP Cookie" and wrote "BAGEL" above it. I'm sorry, but how stupid does she think I am?
Sean: *mouth gaping open, with a string of drool reaching from my bottom lip to the desk* "Daaaah, uh bayguhl? Oh ummkay, dat sownds akseptabuhl. At leest it wusn't a kooky."
Besides, I'm not stupid because I'm not the one buying an imported strawberry from Odwalla (where's that? Australia?) for $4.99. Unless it was this one:
Part of me wanted to confront her about it in the hallway or something and ask,
"So, how was your...bagel?"
"It was fine, thank you."
"Oh, was it? Oh, I'm so glad to hear that! Here's your reimbursement check."
Hey, I'm in accounting and sit in a cubicle all day. I'm not one for confrontations. I would probably choose a more subtle route.
Bagel Girl: "Look! Someone brought homemade chocolate chip cookies to work."
Me: "Oh, it's too bad they didn't bring any nutritious guilt-free BAGELS!"
Bagel Girl: "Why are you yelling?"
Me: "LOOK OVER THERE!" *takes the chocolate chip cookie platter and runs*
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sudden hankering for a...bagel. And an Australian strawberry.
Do Not Read This Blog On Your Computer. It May Cause Explosions.
I recently bought a new phone a little more than a month ago, when I switched from Verizon to Cingular.
Now, as you look at this phone, you'll probably notice that it seems pretty normal and harmless right? Wrong! If you happen to read the novel which is the instruction manual, you'll quickly find out this innocent-looking phone could very easily qualify as the most intricate, complicated, high-maintenance, and potentially dangerous object in your entire house, and quite possibly the entire world. And yes, I'm holding it up to my ear, pressed against my head, every single day. Yippee.
What makes this phone such a fright you ask? Well, allow me to quote numerous
safety guidelines taken directly from the LG C2000 User Guide, and you can make your own decision on whether or not my life is in immediate danger by owning this phone, or if the technical writer(s) who wrote this booklet were being overly melodramatic.Safety Instructions
- Never store your phone in settings that may expose it to temperatures less than 32°F or greater than 104°F. Exposure to excessive cold or heat will result in malfunction, damage and/or catastrophic failure.
As if malfunctioning and damage wasn't enough? Now you have to subject my fears to the possibility of such an intimidating and vague term like a catastrophic failure? I associate a word like catastrophic to something like the engine of a plane exploding or all four stomachs of a cow ceasing to function...not my cell phone failing to work. "My phone doesn't work! Help! The world is coming to an end
- Be careful when using your phone near other electronic devices. Never place your phone in a microwave oven as this will cause the battery to explode.
First of all, who in their right mind would ever put their cell phone in a microwave in the first place? And is this such a common problem that it is necessary to include in the user guide? Do people often confuse their TV dinners or Tupperware products with their cell phones because they look so similar? Maybe some distracted person might put the phone down to warm up a leftover meal and in his ineptitude place the phone in the microwave while sticking last night's pasta in his ear, prompting a completely different canelloni-related (or should I say Canal
oni?) problem aside from the recently exploded cell phone in his microwave.
- Never place your phone in a microwave oven as it will cause the battery to explode.
What, again? Is it really necessary to tell people this twice? I think we get the point by now. Microwaves + Cell Phones = Things Go Boom.
- Do not dispose of your battery by fire or with hazardous or flammable materials.
Oh wonderful. Not only will it explode, or so I'm guessing as that seems to be the common theme so far, but this means I can't make my famous battery acid, gasoline, and dry brush bonfires anymore. I don't think the people who wrote this book ever have any fun.
- Make sure that no sharp-edged items such as animal's teeth, nails, come into contact with the battery. There is a risk of this causing a fire.
Fire? From biting and scratching? Hmm, sounds like an obvious case of severe animal-related explosion fires to me. Possibly quite catastrophic.
- Store the battery in a place out of reach of children.
Wait. So I have to disassemble the phone and store the battery separately from it in a child-proof, and more importantly, explosion-proof place? That's practical.
- Be careful that children do not swallow any parts such as rubber plugs (earphone, connection parts of the phone, etc.) This could cause asphyxiation or suffocation.
- In a car, do not leave your phone or set up the hands-free kit near to the air bag. If wireless equipment is improperly installed and the air bag is activated, you may be seriously injured.
Yeah, the one thing that actually can potentially blow up: the air bag. Yet ironically, it only gets two measly sentences of mentioning, though its chance of "exploding" and deploying is infinitely greater than any of these other ridiculous situations.
- Do not use a hand-held phone while driving.
No cell phone while driving? Yeah, that could happen. Shya, and exploding cell phone batteries might fly out of my butt.
- Do not use the phone in areas where its use is prohibited.
- Never store your phone in temperatures less than -4°F or greater than 122°F.
Yet, as previously mentioned, I thought the acceptable range was 32°F to 104°F. But I doubt this is really a problem, unless you're either an Eskimo or an extremely sociable sand dune.
- Do not use harsh chemicals (such as alcohol) or detergents to clean your phone. There is a risk of this causing a fire.
You're supposed to clean your phone? I guess this just means that if you actually want to clean it some day, you can't ask Jack Daniels to help you.
- Do not use your phone in high explosive areas as the phone may generate sparks.
In other words, no using your phone in your local TNT factory or land mine emporium.
- Do not disassemble the phone.
I guess if we can't be trusted not to stick our phones in the microwave or clean them with a six-pack, then this disclaimer really is necessary because we obviously can't be trusted to resist the urge to take them apart and see how the infernal devices work...because heaven knows if we can't tell the difference between a plate of food and a phone, we'll never rebuild it into any semblance of what it used to look like without somehow blowing ourselves up in the process.
- Only use the batteries, antennas, and chargers provided by LG.
Translation: We want more money.
- Only authorized personnel should service the phone and its accessories. Faulty installation or service may result in accidents...
...Yeah, accidents. I.E. Explosions.
- Do not hold or let the antenna come in contact with your body during a call.
Why? Will I
- An emergency call can be made only within a service area. For an emergency call, make sure that you are within a service area and that the phone is turned on.
I give up. If anyone is so utterly ignorant to the fact that your phone has to be on in order to make a call
, no user guide on the face of this earth is going to save them now. And you have to be in a service area? You mean there has to be a signal too?
My goodness, how complicated these devices are!
- Using a damaged battery or placing a battery in your mouth may cause serious injury.
And then, last but not least, there's my personal favorite:
Do people actually do this? "My phone is boring. I think I'll paint it red and give it racing stripes so it'll go faster! I...hey, why can't I open my phone?"
So basically, what I've learned from all this is:
You can't do anything right as the owner of a cell phone. Anything you do can and will cause your phone to spark, spontaneously burst into flames, and explode without warning...several times over.
Ah, the joys of technology.
If technology had a motto, it would be: "Live longer. Die faster."